I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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