I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I came so hard my ears popped.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
