Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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