Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
