Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize