You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
