textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Vibrating panties would be amazing during this conversation!
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Randomize