sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
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