tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
