Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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