I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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