We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Randomize
