i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
