Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
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