So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
Randomize