i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
