the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
