some dude just recognized me causeg he had a pic of us making out onvhis phone
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
