i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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