don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
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