Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
