dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
