Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize
