its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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