The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
