so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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