Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
that girl last night was a 15
wait she was 15?
no like black jack not sure if you should hit it
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
