man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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