I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Randomize
