just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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