You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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