i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
It looks like sephora exploded on his dick, so i assumed I was the second girl that gave him head that night.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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