True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
You ruined the universe
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
