She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
