Please don't use social media to get back at me.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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