This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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