I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
