Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
