I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
Randomize
