yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
