3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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