just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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