I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
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