I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
