I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
