she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
