i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
