So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
