The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Why are your pants in the freezer?
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
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