I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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