either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
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