You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
