i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Who did Billy Mays play for?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
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