the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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