There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
