He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
Randomize
