Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
