New low: just hacked my moms facebook
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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