Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
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