I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
