he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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