Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
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