My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
All I remember is saying that "fire will make it all better"
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
