I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
