please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
